Football

Football season is here, hooray!  Now to follow the Aussie football season it’s best to pick your favourite code.  You can pick more than one if you want, but I warn you if you do that it will be tough to remember which of your favourite stars is addicted to which drug or is accused of sleeping with which TV starlet.  Here are your choices:

1.  Rugby league. 

Rugby league is predominately a New South Wales game although it is apparently also played in a place called the north of England (never been but it sounds hideous).  Rugby league players are generally involved in orgy scandals in large hotels, they have very thick necks and their teams, like characters in a Dostoyevsky novel, each have two or three names.  Cronulla are the Sharks, the Wests are Canterbury (or The Bulldogs if you prefer) and Illawara are, I kid you not, both St George and The Dragons.
The story to know about Rugby League is that in the 80’s Rupert Murdoch decided he wanted to own the game.  He poured a lot of money into setting up a league (sorry, The League) and decided for televiewing pleasure that some teams should merge.  The proudest and most successful team, South Sydney (aka The Rabbitohs) said no thanks, who do you think you are?  To which he replied I’m Rupert Murdoch and refused to let them play in his, sorry, the league for the first few years.  They lost out on millions of dollars of television revenues and have rarely since won a game.  They’re back now though and were bought last year by Russell Crowe.  New money, new players and they even made the final eight.  Not that it means my local barber has yet taken down the crucified Murdoch effigy from his window.  Again, I kid you not.

2.  Rugby Union

Rugby Union is not so much preferred in any one state as by a stratum of society.  Posh people watch it and the teams are named after flowers.  It has the worst carbon footprint of any code, the Aussie states competing against teams from New Zealand and South Africa in a fast growing league called the Super 8 10 12 14.  Union players earn a lot less than League players but they do get a chance to play for the national team the Wallabies (a much greater honour than getting to play for the national League team who 1) are called the Kangaroos and 2) only ever get to compete against the North of England).

The story to know about Rugby Union:  it’s greatest proponent of the modern game, Joey Johns, recently confessed that he used to take ecstasy.  Personally my world fell apart.

3.  Aussie Rules

Aussie Rules, or AFL to give it its full name, stems from Victoria.  You go to Victoria when there’s a big League game on and all you’ll hear in the pub is the click of dominoes.  It’s not that dominoes is really loud down there, they just never watch League.  In New South Wales “only poofs watch AFL”.

At least this was the case until a few years ago.  To counter a lack of interstate interest both AFL and League decided on a very clever strategy to make their games popular across the nation.  This involved placing strict salary caps on their local teams.  As a result “foreign” teams got the better players, started winning tournaments and lo and behold became popular in states previously deafened by dominoes.  Two years ago the Sydney Swans won the AFL, last year’s League final was between Western Australian and Victorian teams and all played to sell out crowds.

AFL is played by porn gods in tight shorts.  Each runs the equivalent of 26km in the average game and it pays to be tall and muscular.  You gain ground by catching a ball thrown by an equally handsome and rugged player and there’s probably something about points but really, who cares?  Just sit back and look at those men.

4.  Football

No! No! No! I won’t call it soccer!.  Of course if I say “football” an Aussie will say “which code?” and I’ll say “soccer” but still I can just can’t bring myself to use the word unprompted.  Anyway, football used to be very ethnic in Australia.  Croatian teams would play Greek teams whilst their fans would kill each other in the stands (they just do it at the tennis now).  Then Mr Frank Lowy stepped in.

Frank Lowy is to shopping centres (Westfield to be precise) what Rupert Murdoch is to media and like Murdoch before him Lowy decided he wanted to set up a league.  First of all though he decided to remove any team that was named along ethnic lines or had ethnic criteria for membership.  Now each of the big cities has got a main team and they often bring in flagship players from overseas.  Two seasons ago Dwight York starred for Sydney FC and last year Juninho played for someone (strangely enough no one wanted Gazza).  Then of course Australia qualified for the world cup and now soc..football is hugely popular over here.  The Australian national team is called the Socceroos.  No comment.

So there you go, take your pick.  And remember, it doesn’t matter which code you choose because at the end of the day its all about yelling your head off in the stands with a schooner of beer in one hand and a hot meat pie in the other.   Go the Rabbitohs!!!!  Pull ‘is bleedin’ ‘ead off ya flamin gallah!!!